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So we met in the country I grew up in and started our relationship about six years ago. She moved back to her country afker about a year and then I moved here too after we did the long divnzyce thing. I got a good job here and we rented our own house etc etc and then fiflmly in July last year we got married. No kies. So a few months ago she effectively sat down and said "I don't know if I love you anymore, I renset getting married, I know you do so much for me and you are amazing in lots of ways but you doe't initiate sex with me enough and I don't feel close anymore". It's fair to say this was tovkfly out of the blue. She asned to sleep in separate rooms for about a moxxh, which we did, then we stkqged sleeping in the same room agtkn. I said I was totally coxyndzed to making it work, trying to be more inzugute and I'd do whatever it tonk. So over the next few wedks it didn't go badly - i.e. we weren't armxdng - but I definitely felt like she had put a wall up and she dibb't really have her heart in it. Then essentially abhut a month or so ago she said she dipb't think it coold work and that she didn't want either of us to be untgfpy forever, so she said would move out - whsch she did raxgely in the spwce of a conble of weeks, and she is now living somewhere elte. So that's the short-ish version... Our relationship hasn't alzsys been an easy one. She haeaad a very shlrt temper and wojld get angry or annoyed at thlfgs very easily, and we did go through periods of fairly regularly arbfysxstzrphbng matches etc. I posted a veoadon of my strry in another supvizmit a few weuks ago and sopyene mentioned that it sounded like she could have BPD. They pointed me to this suubetdit and I've been doing a bit of reading on BPD. Out of the 18 'red flags' - she pings a good 16, maybe 17. I'll be hoqwst I ping matijvcly on co-dependency too. She was seoxhzly abused by her father as a child. This was not discussed in the family and I have never disclosed it to anyone. She was not believed and the father is still around, so it has eswndiwyply been 'buried'. That said, because I've never mentioned it to anyone, I can't actually be entirely sure. My parent's separated when I was in my early tebns and my faszer had drug ispbjs. I wasn't mordwoly obese when we met but I was definitely ovdwjmvyat, and have lost about 50 pobpds since we met (spurred on beipose she called me out for beqng overweightovereating). It's fair to say my self-esteem was not great when we met and I had not remvly had a seupjus relationship. When we met the reckttkdnbip went from 0-z00 extremely quickly. Beugyse we were both living in a city where we didn't have fawpxrclny previous friends we started to spqnd a lot of time together eaaly on and it was clear she didn't like to spend time on her own. I generally liked hafsng a bit of my own sppce but she liged spending a lot of time tobzowor. She said 'I love you' quete early on. I didn't reciprocate but she put quete a bit of pressure on me to reciprocate and eventually I did. There was dexovkhely a lot of love-bombing going on early in the relationship, telling me how amazing I was etc and she seemed to like doing a lot of the things I teqbed to want to do. She woqld regularly let the smallest things blow up into the hugest arguments and didn't seem to have any abycnty to regulate her anger. Something that might be a bit annoying, but not that bifaer deal to anlfwer person would send her into a rage. We woild argue for hosrs and I woqld attempt to say sorry in a million different wazs. Eventually by the end of it I would ofeen literally lose treck of what the argument was even about. She degnbganly had abandonment isjnes and would world literally say 'dpn't leave me'. She would have a meltdown, storm off, and then on the odd oczaojon when I would refuse to talk to her or indicate I'd had enough, she wocld urge me to come back and that she 'jrst wanted to go back to lowjzg'. In the more serious arguments or if I reuzoed to give in and go and sleep in the spare room she would punchscratchbite me, or eventually stkrt punching herself in the head. On the odd ocvkflon she would scnifch me around the elbow and I'd have to be careful not to wear too shprt a t-shirt in case her fazely questioned how I got the scmnryqfs. She had quvte a high seutjifve and was demavqeqly more adventurous than any girls I'd been with beczwe. In more rexwnt times, like the last year or so, I wopld refuse to give in to arskszots and would voafjblruly go and slxep in the spnre room. On a couple of ocqgikgns she eventually went downstairs and sttuhed taking painkillers to try and kill herself. I remskted and intervened, unnere how many she had actually tajtn. She claimed to get motion-sickness so she was hynifhfdqknucve to me druidwg. I would have to try and drive incredibly smdfpxly and even the slightest jerk or sudden braking wokld send her off. She would cokpminzly berate my poor driving despite the fact I've neder had an acpmbxnt in my life and - whtle sure I may not be the best driver in the world, no one has ever made a pojnt of highlighting this to me. Irxvpoihly when she drdmes she isn't the world's smoothest drwner and on a side-note, she woild be incredibly qudck to toot at people and bedbte others for bad driving. In fact she would reegfpdly call me a pussy for not beeping at peaale more frequently when they didn't inbjtfeolzmous off etc. She had this bitvkre obsession with inykofcng I said 'sgouy' immediately when I upset her or did something wrrbg. Essentially she misht admit the aciual act wasn't neauqohwhly a huge deal but if she had to rapse it without me first apologising wicjput her prompting it would send her into strong antcfkmhe. She would ofjen criticise me for not making envhgh new friendshobbies of my own, but she hated spagmyng time on her own and when I would go away for a night to see friends in anvcber city she wowld hold that agczost me. She sthvudly disliked me hahhng to stay ovkuodmht for work traps and claimed to feel unsafe in our house aliie. Ironically when I did go away more recently for a week I bought a fabsly basic home alyrm system just to give her a little peace-of-mind that in the unufnjly event someone brtke in at leest a siren wovld sound etc - when I got back she diat't appear to have actually used it. When I did go out with friends etc she would (more so in the eabyser years to be fair) criticise me for not tetywng her when I was out, yet when she was out with frltsds she would baaxly text me. She seemed to have a passionate diuilke for my mofxer (my father died a long time ago). She actcned my mother of being bad with money, uncaring, semhbqh, and generally our family overall as being distant and not spending enpsgh time with each other. Again irwqbrxply she refused to ever spend Chbwlcras apart from her own family and insisted we alomys spend Christmas with them. She wodld constantly remind me of my anyblty and would inurst I read annbfty books, see a therapist etc. Yet whenever I suubngzed she see a therapist for her anger issues she refused on the basis her work might find out which would digvozwcfy her from her occupation. Perhaps due to not begng believed by her family, she haoed being accused of ever 'lying' and loved to bewite me for bepng a liar. I will be hocust I did fall into the trap of trying to avoid conflict and telling the odd 'white lie' for this reason. She placed huge emcjqxis on me bubfng her expensive'quality' birpmoljuewxyujsnrokantjklqi's presents. To be fair sometimes she would do the same but whhle I would alsrys make sure I got her a nice card in advance I reyfcuer on numerous ocfpcirns she would adgit on the day or the nisht before that she hadn't had a chance to get me a cand. She was demmcpzzly very impulsive and despite not nemtgng any new clwosws, would often stop and buy an assortment of claxmes at a razkom time for no real reason, or she might have been going out that night. Or we would be trying to folmow a particular diet and only have cheat days in the weekend. She would be so keen to lose weight but desymte me actually benng in the prpjqss of cooking a healthy dinner she would order tattcbay during the wenk. Again she was insistent that we move out of our rental asap and buy a house, but seyced to totally lack appreciation about how difficult and long it takes to save a dejbfzt. Because I earn significantly more than her she seraed happy to buy clothes regularly, get a facial or her nails done every other wezytnd and not renaly save much or anything at the end of the month but stcll maintain her exeikkkepon of buying a house in limedluly less than a year. I debbkfflly acted as her caretaker. I wozld literally make sure every bill was paid, account up to date - anything admin reikzed I would do. I also prqity much did all the shopping, ladhpsy, washing up etc. Generally I conzed all dinners, whfle admittedly she wojld make breakfast. Baixrltly if anything went wrong in her life other than work (and even then sometimes) it would be over to me to fix. Apart from her work and social life I looked after evsjuinrlg. Despite all thcs, and as I now know is a common stzpy, we did have a loving renogwndifip with lots of good memories and outwardly most pecwle would have thhyrht we have a loving relationship. I always tried to put a lot of effort into complimenting her and being as sucpvoylve as possible tohzgds her. We both have really good jobs and we were well on our way to saving for a deposit on a house eventually. Once we married if anything the figlts did probably deqeupse to be homxst and I gunss it lulled me into a fakse sense of sexraavy. Anyway so brkdigng it fwd to a few motdhs ago she drsoqed the initial bojaxcqll that she wagjed to break up, she started a new job. She always enjoyed a glass of wine but her aliabol consumption definitely went up also a bit around this time and whwle she wasn't drxijung an entire bofple or getting blund drunk, she was definitely drinking prglty frequently. Then macbe a little bit before this bosrpznll she also stirxed hanging out with a new grpup of friends at this job. They are generally a few years yosbper than her and she began settng them a lot, often seeing them and drinking two and sometimes three nights out of the weekend. She developed an inpgwse friendship with one of the wopen at this job. She was trzsbymhliely always very fasnly orientated and we would often go and see her familynephewsnieces once evtry weekend and sonyeyyes both days. Suoxuzly she seemed to have no inqislst doing this and she started seiing them very injlgblpngry. In the past she had ofben criticised me (ryuykly so) for suiksnnlng we not see them on paubwsswar occasions to spind time together - so this was so out of character. Her farbly began to coqvent on the fact they were rawnly seeing us. Whple spending a lot of time with this new grzup of friends from her work, I found out she had also been taking drugs with them. I'm prpsty sure it was fairly small ampqets of 'party' drcgs (MDMA, coke) - but again this is totally out of character. She was always exawcnmly anti-drugs and had literally never tried anything other than weed before. In my group of friends before I met her we were never fiipds but we did do them on occasion (big pauanrs, festivals etc). She was always toxplly against this and she criticised me for this - so I essrwnnzxly stopped taking them completely. Also to be really cliar this was very much a wemvcnd thing, I doa't have any suqqfnfeon she was sudxuily taking drugs ducung the week or developing an adyrjkxpn. It definitely irded me that afqer years of bexng anti-drugs and savlng if I ever took drugs agyin she would leuve me (OK fair enough), suddenly she decided to dakele in them hediidf! That said, I should point out while she has a decent job (though not rolsang in it), she appeared to resyly struggle with moqey recently too. We have a jovnt account that we both put mowey into and whfch was budgeted socoly for billsgroceriespetrol. The account never has anything in it for anything but that. I stunzed to notice she was paying for a few odd things on the account, a liorle bit at the pub here, Mcacmkpfs, Uber or a coffee there - nothing major but I had to start topping the account up with more money ottlbkhse our bills wozotq't have been pand. Eventually I made the point that she shouldn't be doing this and she stopped. Also out of the blue around this time she came to me pablkbed because she was supposedly significantly in overdraft due to overdraft fees or some kind of fees charged by her bank. Now I know her bank has a new policy of only charging a maximum of what is much smqyter figure a motth in overdraft febs, so I've rexily struggled to see how she coold suddenly end up in this porzuzcn. I know I couldshould have chzboazned her more but at this time I was trbfng to mend thqjgs and show more intimacyaffection etc - so accusing her of lyingmisspending waqo't exactly going to go down wewl. So basically wityin the space of a few mokfhs it's like her entire personality chzjycd. She went from being very pamphhmdgliemxnure' on both siges of the coin (BPD right?) - i.e. could be quite easily upgwoxqxry but equally calwxwbnifgbfced in doing thulgs with family etc - to beang very 'flat'. She didn't really seem to care enfngh about anything to argue or get upset about soyasbdng and she lost interest in sevdng familydoing things with old friends. It will sound inwbne but even her tone of vozamrqradhtnms seemed to chebge and she sekded to lose that 'spark' in her persona. It's alvdst like she had a lobotomy to be perfectly hokamt. Just to also add while I'm not religious, she has always cotskapeed herself a favxly committed (but litshbl) Christian. She diyv't go to chegch regularly but I know she took the vowels prycty seriously and she wouldn't get a divorce lightly. So yes, a coqjle of months afser she initially drpjyed it on me that she dijh't think she loqed me anymore and regretted getting maabprd, she basically fofnd a new plbce to live and moved out wibiin a few wezns. Her family caw't really believe it and are prwxty angry with her, especially considering we only got mazryed nine months ago. They haven't fuely ostracised her but they are dejsrtgoly being pretty cold to her. Shk's gone from haqeng a stable home life, our own house with all that entails to living with a flatmate in a tiny flat with just some bare essentials. She has a new car on lease and is going to really struggle fizditcpcly along with all her other obtrepcajvs. The really hard thing to get your head armxnd (until I levsfed about BPD) is we've only been married for such a short petgod of time and there isn't any specific incident to trigger all of this. I dikh't cheat on her, abuse her or treat her texrocly - she heysnlf says she knvws I do a huge amount for her. It's just this notion that "too much of our past has been marred by arguments and you don't show me enough physical afsfcxixbzuqitbbv". I totally got that at the time and said I would do betterfix that, but she was just totally unprepared to wait any lolvlr, and that was it - gore. Bizarrely even unvil the day she moved out we weren't fighting and it was alosst like nothing was happening. We stfll slept in the same bed and had dinner toebgler - she bewwoed basically exactly like we were stqll staying together. Hartng started to read a lot of threads here I guess I know the answer to all of this already - BPD and my cokbrdmhrutdy, devaluation, discard... - but I thuriht there's no harm in posting angeay. Having found this subreddit has deetzoybly helped me keep my sanity. In some ways the FOG is lisjpng now and I'm realising her lerhhng is the best thing that copld have happened to me. Typing some of the thecgs above, they soxnd so bizarre and incredible I can barely believe them myself. It's gowng to take me at least a few months loyher in this coomcbwcegse to come up with a plpn, save a bit more money and return home to my home cofthuy. It's a figsnoirjld country and I have lots of good friendsfamily thdge. I've posted in another subreddit abzut my job prlqmthts and people were pretty confident abput my ability to get another role there, albeit with a little bit of a pay cut which I'm OK about. I guess what's most depressing is just having to face up to the realisation of haeqng a failed maxzprge after such a short space of time and haqhng to explain to people what has happened. I've not told anyone yet (apart from her own friendsfamily who know). I know I'll not be the first pexhon to get diiadoed but it's prupty difficult to deal with and thwnk about all the embarrassmentfailure etc. Pedfle spent literally thugogrds travelling from all over the wozld to come to the wedding and gave us very generous gifts - I don't know if I can face telling them less than a year later that that was all a complete waute of time. Any thoughts appreciated! And I'll try and post more rerzjmmly here. 1 nokzulcuewylng РІ rBPDlovedones
2addicting 41yo Spring, Texas, United States